thoughts on fatigue

normal tiredness / excursion VS fatigue

Specific muscle ache – whole body hurts
Can move normally – feels like wading through waist high sand or mud
Gravity normal – gravity against you, feels like a sack of rocks on your shoulders or someone pushing you down
Sitting / lying down feels good – feels like muscles are sinking into surface with pain
Cognitive functioning normal – unable to concentrate
Doesn’t affect anxiety – constant overwhelm
Wake up feeling rested – wake up still exhausted
Caffeine kick starts you – caffeine does nothing except heightens anxiety
will get better from resting – not helped by rest
Predictable time span – not able to predict the next day or plan
no affect on speech – struggle to form sentences, slurring
No effect on coordination – clumsy and heavy limbs

The last few weeks I have had the worst episode of fatigue I’ve experienced since being diagnosed with Addisons.

I was Sleeping 9/10 hours a night and still struggling to get out of bed.

I struggle most with the loss – wasting my life to this illness and having so many less hours in the day / week than other people. some days the most I could do was take the dog to the park 200 yards away, where the feeling I can only describe as ‘overwhelm’ made me burst into tears (I’m not a crier)

other days I pay to have a walker (despite not working) so she would get a proper walk. I ordered deliveroo twice some days. I could barely stand, long enough chop, lift pans and wash up.

Little things that suddenly become the new normal, not talking public transport (thank fuck I drive), trying to eat properly just using the corner shop, getting Ubers / zip cars everywhere, washing only when absolutely necessary (and when I did, having time consuming baths as standing in the shower / putting my arms up to wash my hair is too much) I even stopped wearing my boots because laces were a struggle.

But then, suddenly it goes. And feeling good again is incredible. I do my best to accept this will happen to me and the ways I am fortunate (plenty) rather than the lost time, and jealously that other people feel ‘normal’ all the time.

I am financially independent and can afford not to work for a few weeks, my employers support me (more than I do myself actually), I can afford the dog walkers, food deliveries, ubers and corner shop prices. I have recognised physical health diagnoses. I have obvious past trauma and mental health diagnoses. I have friends who are my support network, who share their experiences and show me kindness when I cant give it to myself.

I am one of the lucky ones living with chronic illness.

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